Saturday, April 12, 2014

When do I get a turn?

This posting will be whiny.  If you're not in the mood for that, check in another day.  I'm like a pressure cooker (which I've never acutally used, but I have the basic concept in my mind).  I get all this pent up emotion and it just has to come out.  A favorite way is to just talk, talk, talk and talk to my husband about it, but he's not such a fan of that.  So here we are.

I've spent a bit of time today designing a Shutterfly book for my mom for Mother's Day.  I really do enjoy scrapbooking, but digital scrapbooking isn't as fulfilling for me.  I like to actually feel the paper on my fingers.  But for her, I'll happily do it.  I decided to make it a chronological book of our joint Mother's Days since I've become a mom.  Very sweet project that I know she'll love.

I even decided to go ahead and design my own gift from Shutterfly that the boys will give to me.  I've never done that before, but there's a great sale on, shipping will already be paid and why not?  Better than the gift that Aaron would not even get for me if I didn't nag him.

Wow.  That sounded angry.  Since my posting here about my exsistential (I don't have the patience to correct my spelling there) crisis, a whirlwind of running into a friend who knew about a job led to an interview and a job offer.  I accepted.  Yikes.  Now I'm in this weird land of "What did I do?"

I liken it to being a baby bird in a nest.  For the past few years I've been home with my boys.  It hasn't been a tea party and I didn't want to stay there forever, but I was comfortable.  Now I can see that this stage of my life is going to change.  I know I'll still be a mom and I know my role in my boys' lives will still be crucial, but my time will be spent differently.  I'm grieving that time has passed.

I was at MOPs yesterday and I was struck by how much life has changed since September.  We started the year with many pregnancies and now how lots of babies.  I'm happy for them, but I reminded me that they're still very much in MOPsLand.  I'm not.  And it's OK.

The other day Aaron asked if I want another baby.  Kathryn, a dear friend, had baby Allison and I got to hold her last weekend.  Beautiful baby girl.  Yes, I would love to have a girl; a sweet redheaded little angel to wear matching dresses with and paint my nails with.  But, I have a peace that 3 is a how many children I need.  With my luck, if I were to get pregnant again I would just add another boy to my brood and he would be louder and smellier than the rest.

No, a baby isn't what I need.  I just need time to accept that time passes and it's OK.  Worry is hard for me.  With going back to work looming in the future I worry.  I told Taylor, a sweet friend who works very successfully part-time while she has 3 sons, about my worry.  When I told her my biggest worry--when I'll go to the grocery store--she laughed.  Actually chuckled.  It was a light moment that made me see that in the light of eternity, I'm being silly.

I thrive on routine.  No, I thrive on control.  Routine is just wanting to control everything around me.  I even love scrapbooking because it's a tangible way to make order of chaos.  I realize that sounded super hoaky considering it's my hobby and my pages are far from being works of art, but I like order.

Aaron has this weird theory that all Muppets are order or chaos Muppets.  They either create havoc or they try to make order of it.  Miss Piggy?  Chaos.  Kermit?  Order.  Animal?  Chaos.  Crazy chef guy?  Chaos.  Two of my sons land firmly in the chaos camp and son #1 and I live happily in the Order part of the world.  Take my order away and I get cranky.

This new job is an exciting opportunity and the logical part of me knows it's going to be wonderful.  A way for me to grow professionally and positively impact young adults.  Super duper cool.  But I still have to figure out when to go to the grocery store.

When I was at Baylor, we taught at Welcome Week that there are 4 parts to a person:  intellectual, spiritual, physical and emotional.  All parts to the wheel have to be maintained.  Adding motherhood to the burden of the wheel makes the balance of those things so difficult.  It seems the emotion part of the wheel overinflates as the intellectual part shrinks.

Part of me is excited that the intellectual part of my brain will be challenged again.  I've missed using Spanish and I'll be teaching it.  I know I will enjoy it.  The other parts of the wheel will still be there and I know I can figure out how to balance all this.

Especially when I can write whiny posts like this one. 

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