36 and thankful

Happy Birthday to me!

I'm 36 today and happy to be here.  I love birthdays--they are a time to celebrate that we're created.  I have to be careful on my birthday.  I was adopted as a baby and if I think too long about the fact that this is the day a woman I've never met birthed me and gave me away I get a bit sad.  Instead, I focus on the fact that this angel chose to sacrifice motherhood so I could go to a family ready to love a little redheaded girl.

We spoke of my adoption regularly as I was growing up and I'm so thankful my parents were brave enough to do so.  It's part of my identity and I think that's why I've never had a huge issue with it.

They told me on the application form, one of the questions was if they would take a redhead right along with if they would take a black or Indian baby.  Now I see why--people ask a lot if my parents have red hair.  I don't look like them, or act like them.

Sometimes that's a lonely place to be.  I find myself asking Aaron if a redheaded actress looks like me.  His response is usually no and he'll tell me she's too tall or her face is too long or whatever.  Part of me just wants to feel like I belong somewhere.

Yesterday I met with my new boss and the meeting went really well.  All my questions were answered and I left with a renewed sense of purpose and excitement about teaching Spanish.  I've never done parts of this job before and I'm excited to take it on.  I'm confident I can bring something really fantastic to this job and I'm ready to do it.

For my birthday I really thought about gathering up a bunch of my girl friends to have dinner.  When I turned 30 I invited 30 of my friends to join me for a paint the pottery afternoon.  I was amazed at how many showed up.  We had a fantastic time.  6 years later I'm at a different place.  I love being with my friends but the energy and drama it takes to coordinate that many women wears me out.  I'm going to head over to the big city tonight to do some shopping at some of my fave stores:  Mardel, Container Store and Half Price Books.  I had hoped to go with a good friend, but she had to be out of town today.  So, I'll take Aaron tonight before we go dancing.

Dancing!  I love going dancing and we've not done it much since kids came along.  We went in Luckenbach for our 10th anniversary and were reminded how much we love it.  Aaron is such a good dancer and I love dancing along with him.  There's just nothing like it.

When I start down the adoption path it's easy to get a little sad.  There's a woman out there that 36 years ago made the decision to say good-bye to me because she loved me.  That's amazing.  I would love to meet her and say thanks.  I've heard that it's normal for adopted children to have a dream that their birth mother is this beautiful, magical person.  I used to think that Reba McIntyre was my birth mom except that she's the wrong age and way too tall.

Why do I not pursue meeting her?  My parents asked me not to.  I remember my dad simply asking I not do it, way back when I was about middle school age.  He told me it would hurt my mom.  Of all they've give me, I can give them that.

Besides, the reality is that I'm full.  I have loving parents and a kind brother.  The family on Aaron's side is wonderful and I find acceptance there.  I have fantastic friends and a church family that I adore.  And I have Christ who loves and accepts me no matter what.

Part of me is afraid to find her.  What if she's not like Reba?  What if she's someone I don't want to have a relationship with?  What if I don't want her to have a relationship with my sons?  For now, it's just best to leave that door closed.  I haven't researched it, but from what my parents told me long ago, for us to be reunited we would both have to contact someone--the adoption agency or I guess the courthouse that sealed the adoption for us to be reunited.  Perhaps today she's thinking of me and has contacted them.  I would love to just say thanks today for lovingly caring for me for 9 months as I grew inside her womb and for choosing a Christian family to raise me.  They did a great job.  She made a great choice.

But today I choose to find my identity in Christ not the fantasy of who I might be related to by birth.  The best parts of me are the ones I've allowed Christ to create in me.  Yes, I still find myself feeling on the outside sometimes and wishing I looked like someone, but it's OK.  Aaron loves the way I look and I'm so much more than my outward appearance.