People pleasing

People pleasing is a funny thing.  I was raised to make everyone around me happy.  To me, that's just what considerate people do.  Enter my husband, who wasn't raised that way.  I remember I was nervous to meet his parents for the first time.  Afterwards, I asked Aaron if he thought his mom liked me.  "Of course she did."  "How could you tell?" I asked.  His response was priceless: "Because she knows you make me happy."  Wow.

I'm reading a book by one of my favorite authors, Kathi Lipp.  I enjoy her books very much and she bravely writes about many of the struggles I find myself facing. This book is entitled The Cure to the Perfect Life.  It's about choosing not to let the bullies of perfectionism, people pleasing, performancism and procrastination rule my life. 

Later today I'm going to meet up with my new boss to iron out details for my job.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared and I'm a little sad that this day is here.  For a long time now I've been home with little kids.  That chapter isn't closing, but the page is definitely turning.  The irony is that the staying home with kids years haven't been the absolute joy of my heart.  Yes, I've enjoyed it and I truly believe God called me to it, but I've known it wouldn't be forever.  And I'm somehow surprised that moving into this next chapter isn't all rainbows and lollipops. 

So, instead of dealing with these feelings head on, I stewed for a ridiculously long time about what to wear today.  It's not an interview;  I have the job, but yet I'm still nervous about her liking me based on the clothes I wear.  Very silly.

This would be people pleasing.

Yesterday I went to a huge consignment sale and bought some clothes for my biggest boy and one board game.  I had a limited amount to spend and I felt really good about how well I used the money I had to spend.

This morning, Aaron sees the one non-clothing item I bought (Pictionary-Man) and went off about how much he hates board games.

A few years ago I would have cowered under this tirade and apologized about buying it.  Not today.  I told him I didn't buy it for him and I got an excellent deal on it.  The boys and I love board games and we'll enjoy it together. 

And then a few minutes later, I apologized for being snappy with him. 

Now I look back on that conversation and I realize I didn't need to apologize for having an opinion different than his.  I didn't need to apologize for anything.

I have to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the opinion of others and that my husband has strong opinions.  I thrive on affirming words, a currency that doesn't come naturally from him.  I will say he's gotten much better at this and I've gotten better at asking for it, but we still have a ways to go.  Even more than that, my value is in Jesus Christ, my creator, Savior and king. 

As I head into my future, I need to bravely lean of God's promises to be with me and lean into his courage.  And enjoy the heck out of Pictionary-Man when I get to play it.