Saying no when I don't want to

This week has been crazy.  School started for my 1st graders but my little guy and I didn't have our regular schedules back up and going yet.  We normally have family dinner at the table every night except for Wednesday when we have fellowship supper at church.  This week, I cooked on Monday and that was it.  No other day, due to orientations for #3's programs.  While the break from cooking was nice, the busy pace wasn't.  I also got a filling on Tuesday.  Yuck.  Brush and floss well, friends.  Fillings aren't much fun.  The emotion from this week was so high that while the dentist was working over my cavity, tears starting falling down my cheeks.  Not from pain or even discomfort;  I just had too long to sit there and think about how sad I was that my baby is turning 5 soon and my twins are in 1st grade.  Where has the time gone?

I knew this week would take a toll on me.  It did.  Today was our MOPs Open House where new moms come and find out about MOPs while "old" moms greet them and catch up from the summer.  When I was in leadership, I LOVED the Open House day.  I made it my goal to meet every new mom that came in the door.  Beautiful relationships began those days.  Such sweet memories.

#3 is at a different place than his brothers have ever been.  Whereas they always had each other, he doesn't have a buddy and he just doesn't like playing with kids younger than him.  Yesterday he went with me to my new job and while I met with the other teachers, he played guns and swords with boys that were older and he really liked it.  Anyway.  I asked if he wanted to go to the MOPs Open House and he said no.  OK.

So, what did I do instead of something I know I would have enjoyed?  Clean my sink.  My in-laws are coming in this afternoon and they both help with dishes and cooking while here, so I thought the least I could do was clean the sink for them.  I'm glad I did.

We also had some errands, including the grocery store, so the house didn't get a thorough cleaning, but I'll do the high points later this afternoon.

#2 asked yesterday after school if I would eat lunch with him today.  Before thinking, I said yes.  After he went to bed, I realized my yes should have been no.  While all 3 of my boys love it, eating lunch with them at school wears me out.  It also makes me miss teaching.

The easy out today would have been to scurry around at the grocery to be back in time for the lunch at 11:05.  Instead, this morning I calmly told #2 my reason for not going to lunch today:  groceries and getting the house ready for company.  He was fine with it.  He knows I'll come another day.

This weekend I have to get my webpage on my school's website set up.  I need it set up before next Tuesday and I don't want to worry over it.  I'm afraid it's going to be a tar baby (meaning that it's a project that will become much more involved than you think it will be) and I'm timid to start it before Aaron is here to be my IT backup.  Dude is great with trouble shooting whereas I just get upset. 

The emotions I feel from starting a new job are surprising me and they're spilling over into my dread of setting up this webpage (and the fact I've never done anything like this before). 

I love teaching and I feel confident that this will be a blessing to me and my family, but yesterday I was hit with the reality that I'm not going to be 100% mom anymore.  Even though the rational part of me knows my boys need for me to step back and allow more independence, I'm still sad. 

I've been praying for balance and now it's time to trust that God will give me the wisdom I need for this new step.