Still waters

Being at a place of rest is tricky.  In the search of it, I've bought CDs that have water sounds, instrumental versions of fave hymns and books on yoga.  I'm still not very good at it.

I will say I'm getting better.  As I read The Cure for the Perfect Life, there were little quizes at the beginning of each chapter so you could tell if the chapter's topic was something that kept you from finding peace.  The chapter on people pleasing was written for me.  One of the quiz questions was something I had never thought of.  I don't remember the exact wording, but the gist was that when something goes wrong for someone, I feel bad and look to blame myself as opposed to simply acknowledging that bad things happen every day and this was what happened to them today.  This would be how my husband views life.  He takes responsibility when it's his to take, but he doesn't borrow it like I do.

Wow.  What clarity this brought me.  Somewhere along the line I decided I was personally responsible for making everyone around me happy.  That's fine if you're the hostess at a baby shower and for that 2 hours you attend to the needs of others or if I enjoy offering encouragement to those around me to brighten their day.  But it's not OK if I allow outside circumstances to dictate how I feel.  It's not fair to my family or to me.

So today I'm in a bit of a funk.  I won't go into it (you're welcome) but I said no to going to something that my mom really wanted me to go to.  It upset her.  The easy thing to do would have been to say yes, but it would have been a huge hardship for my family.  I'm at a point in my life that I would prefer to upset someone now and deal with that than be the one upset later because I said yes when I should have said no.  That said, it still stings a bit.

This week I felt like I had my new "normal" down and it felt good.  And then something I hadn't planned on in my new job was added to me.  Not something huge and something that I can't do, but still more is more.  I know I can adjust my routine to accomodate this new thing and it will be fine, but I can't rest until I've done that.  Silly.

Still waters can't just wait until I have all my work done.  God wants me to rest by them regularly.  He tells me so in Psalm 23.  In the mornings during my quiet time the house is still and I love the peace of that time.  I wish I could figure out how to shut off the expectations, the noise and the outside stuff that keeps me from finding those still waters at other times, too.